What it Takes

My mind is blown.  After years of trying and saving and desperate pleas to God I am at last standing here with a GIANT box that is filled with the makings of my future baby/ies.

THIS is what it takes for me to have a child...  I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I know this isn't my first cycle, but really, this is the first "REAL" cycle. This is the first time I got to meet the Fedex guy carrying my giant box of meds instead of hanging around the RE's office waiting for labs to determine if I get to return home with the next batch of drugs.  My last cycle was really only Lupron, Gonal F, Ovidrel and Crinone (aside from antibiotics, valium and that blasted enema). We won't order our Lupron until closer to start, so that isn't pictured here.

 

Here's what is in each pic:

Crinone x 2 boxes
Follistim Cartridges x 4

Menopur Mixing vials

Doxycycline
Prednisone
Diazepam
Estradiol
(And peeking in at top left, my needles)

 

Here we have:

Meopur vials again

Follistim pen and handy carrying case (boxed)

Syringes
Q caps

And lastly:
- Novarel
- Syringes
- Q caps again
-Alcohol wipes
- Biohazard container

Awesome... making a baby (for me) requires the use of a biohazard container.

Honestly though... This box mostly makes me so ridiculously, incredibly happy!  I didn't think I would EVER make it this far.  We were so sure that we'd never be able to do another cycle if the trial didn't work and yet by the grace of God here I stand with a box full of medication standing on the doorstep of another cycle. We are blessed!  I am grateful.

T minus 11 days till CD1 (hopefully)

Pull the Trigger

Final stim shot last night. Last Lupron this morning. My u/s revealed no newcomers to the follie party so we're going to retrieval with 3 follies. I'm disappointed, but you know... 3 will do. It's better than none.

Trigger is Ovidrel and I take it at 8pm. Tomorrow is a "free" day according to my calendar... Though I dunno how you can call taking the pre-retrieval enema downtime. Lol (P.S. Why has no one else mentioned a pre-retrieval enema on other blogs?)

I don't feel like this is going to be it. I am already planning IVF #2. But if nothing else, this will be a great learning experience for when we get to an out of pocket paid cycle where we can deviate from the plan determined by trial sponsors.


We're also wondering... Since this trial allows a max transfer of 2 3d embryos, what we should do if we have a third... IF we have a third. Do we freeze at 3days or push and see if it makes it to blast before freezing? Anyone have suggestions?

We Trigger on Monday

What a week it has been! As you know, we started with 12 follies.  Well after a week of stims, we are down to 3 over 10mm in size, and they upped my Gonal F dosage from 225 iu to 450 iu on Friday.  I went in this morning for a follow up and the three have increased from 11mm (the largest) went to 20mm.  The other two are now 14mm and 15 mm respectively.  I have given up hope that another friend may join us at the party.  It looks like we're going to just have these three, and I am at peace with that.

I am on another shot of 450iu Gonal F tonight, and then tomorrow morning I go in for my last blood draw and date with the dildo cam.  We will most likely trigger tomorrow night and retrieval is going to be on Wednesday transfer on Saturday. 

Mr. R has started looking at YouTube videos of the TESE procedure and he is not looking forward to this at all!  I feel bad for him, but I am excited to see that it is possible to collect and save multiple vials of sperm for future attempts. I didn't realize that was possible, but after seeing how extensive this procedure is I am glad that it's an option.

I still can't quite get my head around the thought that this is it.  I am IN an IVF cycle... This week there will exist on this planet little beings that are made of half me and half Mr. R.  They may not live long, they may not make it to birth... but for a short while they will be here on this earth with us.

I am wrestling with positivity... I want so much to believe that this is it.  I have a strong, VERY strong feeling that this is not the end for us... that this is just a step on the road. 

My forum February cycle group are dropping BFPs like it's going out of fashion.  Only one BFN.  The last two are me and one other lady.  She had her transfer today.  Then it's my turn.  What if our luck has run out?? ARGH!!

Long Overdue Update

Last I posted we were on CD1 and my lining was still too thick to start stims, so we went back on Wed, and it was perfect, 4.40mm however my Estradiol was still too high.  They wanted it under 21.0 and it had gone up from 25.4 on CD1 to 37.4 on CD3.  Argh!  Nurse T thought it was stress related and advised me to take a couple days off if I could, and relax, and to come back on Friday.  I really REALLY don't have any time to take off at work since I just started this job in December, but I did it because this is more important than anything.  Friday morning I went in... Lining still perfection and under 5mm, but Estradiol has not dropped down enough... it's 23.1.  Saturday morning I went in again... Lining = perfect, Estradiol is now slightly up again 23.7 (though they count that as unchanged since the rise was so insignificant).  They told me to come again on Monday, but I really cannot take more time off work at this point. I asked if they would consider letting me come in on Sunday, my mother would be leaving town and I would (hopefully) be calmer and less stressed.  Sunday morning... BINGO!  Finally, lining under 5mm, Estradiol 20.0, still 12 follies:  7 left, 5 right.

So I started my stims on Sunday.  The nurses there are SO behind us.  They called and were SO excited when they told me to come back and get my stims.  They know that this is our only chance. I walked in and saw the Gonal F box sitting on the chair.  So I am in the control group of this study, not the trial group testing out Afolia.  I had decided I was cool either way.  Gonal F is tried and true, but Afolia might be amazingly new and good.  Either way I would be happy, and I am.

So yes folks... I have the most photographed uterus and ovaries in all of Texas, but I am moving on to stimming.  Today is Stim day 4.  I have a little log book to track everything in.  I also received a cute water bottle and cooler for my meds.

Mr. R has started his Clomid for the TESE.  He's not experiencing any issues with it so far, but last time (while we thought the trial would start in October) he had some tingling and sensitivities with "the fellas" but so far so good.

So far zero side effects from the Gonal F, but man is the Lupron hitting me hard.  I pretty much walk around every day with a headache and last Thursday it turned into a migraine.  I don't mean "ouch my head really hurts I have a migraine," I am talking about the full-on cannot stand, whole body shaking, throwing up violently migraine.  Prior to this headaches would come and go and vary in intensity, but since Thursday I pretty much live with  a constant headache.  It's mild enough that I can ignore it most of the time, but every now and then I am forced to take a Tylenol to numb it down a little.  I had hoped that since my Lupron dose has halved it would stop, but that hasn't changed anything so far.

What's next?  Well this Friday I go in for first post-stim follie check.  And I think I go in again on Monday for a final evaluation when we decide to trigger or not.  Tentative trigger date is 2/24, Retrieval is 2/26 and Transfer is 3/1.  Mr R will have his TESE performed at the same time as my ER so we're going to be in separate rooms for that procedure, and for the ET he isn't sure he is going to be able to make it because of work... We could be in different counties while I am getting pregnant.  :(  This whole thing is SO not my childhood dream.  And even WITHIN treatment, the tiny cracks, the dream is still shattered.... *sigh* It doesn't matter as long as we have a good end result.

I belong to the TwoWeekWait forum, and in our cycle group, out of 7 of us 4 already have BFPs, 1 negative, and 2 have yet to transfer.  It looks like I'll be the last one transferring out of all of us.  Hopefully they don't use up all of our BFP luck before I can get there!  [I just realized how insane that sounds... how superstitious does all of this make us??? Meh.]

CD1

Well, wouldn't you know it... right on cue my body kicked out a cycle day one!!  I went in for my baseline testing and to check lining to see if we're ready to start the stims yet.  We aren't. :(
Lining was at 6.1mm and he needs it to be 5mm or lower.  So I will go back to check again on Wed.

As far as follies:

Left side is showing 7 with biggest being 6.1mm and the others not far behind.
Right side has 5 with biggest at 5.5mm
So a total of 12.

I had blood drawn and will find out the numbers tomorrow I guess?  Not sure how long the turnaround is on those.

I also asked about what I should be taking to work on my MTHFR since I know that this is a study, so I have limited access to the doctor overseeing the trial and no access to my own RE since he is not involved with this -- even though it's being run out of my own clinic.  I just want to make sure we don't get this far and then lose the baby because of the MTHFR so I had to make sure that base was covered.  They said that as long as I am taking Prenatals and Calcium there is nothing else I can do... I don't fully trust that.  Any other ladies dealing with MTHFR have any suggestions for me as far as supplementation?

Lupron is a Go

After yet more fumbling around the scheduled appointment time for my hysterosono, test transfer and consent meeting yesterday we finally got in and got things going.

We started with the test transfer which went pretty well -- though there was a little kerfuffle at one point with the externo-wand.  Doc had to take over from the nurse trying to find my uterus and eventually found it way over on the left next to my hip bone... Is it supposed to be there?  He didn't seem too concerned about it.  He had to go ahead and get a new catheter which wasn't fun, but all in all if that's what the transfer will feel like I am super happy.  I expected much worse.

After that we went back in (a 3rd catheter) for the hysterosono.  This one HURT.  A LOT!  He found a couple of uterine cysts which he said were very common and not at all concerning.  Everything looked clear otherwise and he deflated the balloon and THAT was when it hurt for some reason.  I cried out it was so bad, and I have a very high pain threshold.  He seemed a little annoyed and kept telling me that he was deflating the balloon and there is no reason for that to hurt, in fact it should make me feel better... but it HURT. 

While he was in there -- and because no one knew if we were supposed to get an AFC before starting the Lupron -- we went ahead and did it, just in case.  He counted 8 on Rt and 6 on Lt which he said was pretty normal, he was happy with that, and glad that I didn't overachieve and hit 20 which would preclude me from the study.

After this we signed our consent forms and did the quick training on Lupron 101 and then I had my first shot.

This morning I took my second shot at home.  Mr. R smiles wide when he gets to stick me.  It doesn't hurt at all.  I don't feel the needle and I don't feel the site burning afterwards that I was warned about.  I also haven't had any side effects at all.  But it's still early days.

I continue to spot/bleed/spot and cannot wait to be done with the BCPs on Friday.  FINGERS CROSSED that the bleeding stops altogether so that I will actually be able to tell when my period starts and I can go in for CD1 testing to check if I am down regulated.  The nurse warned us that many of the study participants have found that they have not down regulated properly by the anticipated date.  If I do not down regulate then I am out of the study, so I was nervous about this, BUT... she says that we have 21 days for this to happen and they are happy for me to take up to 21 days on the Lupron and keep going back to check until things are silent before we continue and start the study drug.  HOPE that my body continues playing nicely with the trial!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

The more things change... Haha

So on Wed I get a call from RE Nurse... (Nurse T).  She says that she has just realized that we will need to come BACK to the clinic on 2/4 to get my first Lupron, as the first one needs to be administered in the office and it HAS to be on the 4th.  Since I live 2 hours away this is not going to be convenient... driving all the way there on Mon for Hysterosono and TT and then again the following day for the shot, so instead she is going to move the hysterosono and TT to the Tuesday.  (Now the 4th date we've scheduled for these).

Then, while entering the info into the calendar she realizes that I am still needing an updated pap.  And that an updated (clear) pap is required before we can start the Lupron.  Results take 2 days, so she asks me to get in with my PCP or local OB to have that done on Thur... cos, you know, I live in a small town so a next day appointment with either of these docs is a piece of cake, right? Wrong.  So our only option was for me to take another morning off work, drive out to the RE office just for the pap.  I am still bleeding and I believe they don't like to do pap tests while you're on your period, but since this is very unlikely to be an actual period and the bleed is quite slow now, Dr. S just went ahead and did it anyway.  Now we just pray that their lab can get the results back in time and that they aren't skewed by the bleeding.

On Tues, I have to be there at 7am which will require leaving my house at 5am.  First we will sign consents, then we do the Hysterosono (I've been calling it an HSG as this is what I had before.  I am told that this is a Hysterosono which is slightly different and less invasive.  Who knew?) And after that we will do the Test Transfer.  If all looks good, and my pap result comes back clear then we will do the first Lupron.  Mr R will take his shot-giving lessons and I will be done with the long drives until the 10th when I hopefully start CD1 and can get my updates baseline testing done and start with the study drug.

On Wed my mother arrives from Canada and will be staying with us for 2 weeks.  Worst. Decision. Ever.  But I will suck it up and deal.  Mother is helping us pay for part of the $5,000 out of pocket expense of this cycle so I CANNOT complain.  Actually, I've not really discussed the costs involved with this trial here on the blog.

Here's what has come up so far:

$175 - Hysterono
$1,500 - IVF Test Cycle Fee
$1,750 - Clinic & Facility  charges for TESE (sperm aspiration as Mr. R has a vasectomy)
$1,000 - Urologists fee for TESE
$800 - Storage for sperm and any possible embies for one year

So if we weren't dealing with a Vasectomy we'd be getting a cycle for under $3,000 which is unreal considering we HAD been looking at $15,000!!

That's all I have for today. xx

(Some) Results Are In

I just got the call.  SOME of the blood work is back.  Well, the ones I was most concerned about are back anyway....

First a trip down CD3 test memory lane:

DEC, 2012:
AMH: <0.16
FSH: 19.8
E2: 17

MAY, 2013:
AMH: 0.28
FSH: 10
E2: 23

"NORMAL":
AMH: 1-3
FSH: 3-10
E2: 25-75



*drumroll*




JAN, 2014
AMH: <not tested>
FSH: 8.9
E2:  50.1

HO-LEE-CRAP! My FSH and my E2 are now what they would consider to be "normal"!?!  My December 2012 readings were such that my RE opened the conversation with a recommendation of donor eggs.  "No point wasting money trying with your own.  These numbers do not bode well for you."

AHHHHH!!!!  I want to run around this office nekkid yelling at the top of my lungs!

Still Prolactin and Thyroid results to come, but I've never had any concerns around these two, so not super concerned... Of course now I've said that THIS is where the problem will be.  Erg. Infertility man. 

New Year. New Us. New Home. Oh... and the trial has started...

Yep!!!  We called last week to check in and make sure that the trial was still going to happen as we hadn't heard anything in a LONG time.

Nurse: "Oh yeah, the trial has started."

Mr. R (with me listening in): "Ummm... so... ummmm..."  *Looks at me expecting a full-scale meltdown of tears and drama.*

Nurse:  When can y'all come in to sign consents?

Mr. R: "So we're still IN???" Then to me, "WE'RE STILL IN!!!!"

I started my period late Sunday night and called on Monday to schedule CD3 testing for the next day.

So here's what I know so far:

1)  The trial is comparing a new antagonist with Gonal-F.  I will either be part of the control group using Gonal-F, or part of the test group using the new product -- name escapes me, and I don't have paperwork with me at the office.   

Some of you may balk at my lack of knowledge around this drug that I am allowing them to pump me full of... but those of you in a similar can't-pay-for-even-one-IVF-cycle-on-our-own boat will understand... "You want to inject me directly with urine from some post menopausal nuns but I get a cycle of IVF for free?  Sure. Where do I sign?"

2)  The trial required that I have more than 10, but fewer than 20 on my AFC.  I passed this phase with flying colors.  (Huzzah!  My repro system did SOMETHING right for once!!) Mr. R was the only one conscious enough to pay attention to numbers... I was just so deliriously excited to be in there with the dildo-cam that I didn't hear a word out of the nurse's mouth.  (Yes, I said deliriously excited and dildo-cam in same sentence.) Per Mr. R's memory my AFC was 8 on Rt and 9 on left so 17 total.  Phew!

3)  I also had a blood draw and we're waiting on the results of that to see if I squeak in and can participate.  They need my FSH to be no higher than 10 [Edit: correction 15].  As you can see from my two previous tests my FSH numbers can vary greatly.  19.8 back in Dec of 2012 and 10 in May 2013.  So we have all kinds of prayers, fertility dances, candles, etc lit that my body plays along again and shows them a number they will accept.

4)  I also have to have an updated HSG and I am ashamed to admit that while my lady parts have been incessantly poked and prodded over the last year, I am overdue for a pap, so that needs to happen as well.

Now for the good news... I am actually as we speak taking the first of the drugs I will be required to take to start this cycle.  Okay, so it's only birth control... but it's seriously the furthest I have been so far in this journey and I was so excited to take that little pill this morning I could have cried.  I feel like I am actively doing SOMETHING!!!

Of course on Friday my results could come back with an FSH reading of 20 and I could be out of the trial in one swift second... but for today I am enjoying this TEENY TINY thing.  It's a step forward and I have GOT to celebrate this.

Down. Down. Down.

Well, we're almost half way through October and I still don't have a start date for the IVF trial.  I don't want to keep bugging them by phone, so I sent an email to the coordinator through our patient portal on Monday and as yet am still waiting on a response. To recap I haven't heard anything from them since September 20th when they again confirmed that I am for sure in the study and that they are still waiting to firm up a start date but expect it to be the first or second week of October. Monday marks the start of the third week of October and I haven't heard anything more from them, nor have I had a reply to my email.  I am starting to think the trial isn't going to happen.  Or that it IS happening, but they decided that my numbers were too "shifty" and they don't want to risk using me. I can't see them going to the expense of running a radio commercial for a trial which wasn't ready to roll, right? I'd like to think that they would have contacted me if I no longer qualified.  Ugh. I am so lost in all of this.

I am really struggling right now. My thoughts are getting darker and darker by the day. If this trial doesn't go through we're still a few months away from having enough money saved for our own IVF. And I don't have months to waste.

Lately (more than ever before) it seems I am surrounded by pregnant women.  I've been on FB hiatus for the last 3 weeks because I just cannot take it any more.  Every other post is an announcement, an ultrasound, little Timmy's birthday party, etc.  We can't even go out to eat because I SWEAR every waitress in my small town is pregnant... And now even my usually safe haven of work is being infiltrated by the fertile masses.  Working for a Police Department means I deal with more fart jokes, and a lot of testosterone, but I've also kind of been grateful that I don't need to deal with a bunch of pregnancies and baby stories.  The last few weeks here have changed too.  Every day someone brings in their grandchild, new born, pregnant wife to meet us. And today I found out that one of my co-workers (whom I really, strongly dislike) is pregnant... by her still-married-to-someone-else-fiancée.  Really universe? Thanks.

Timeline

I've been blog-stalking this weekend at work and I have realized that one of the first things I look for first at a new-to-me blog is the timeline.  How long have they been at this?  The length and intensity of a blogger's struggle has become important to me.

Stupid Stork once wrote a post discussing how we in the IF community have a tendency to "grade" each other by how long we've been trying, and use that grade to scale how much support we can muster for their struggle.  It's sad, but for me anyway... it's true.  I find that I am more supportive of someone who has

1)  Been in the trenches for a few years OR
2)  Been through more tortuous attempts -- though there is a small part of me that still is a little jealous over this person's ability to PAY for said multiple attempts, while we're being honest here...

It's an odd scale. Degrees, on degrees on degrees, but I dare you to say you don't have one and that you are equally supportive of Mary-It's-Been-3-Months-No-Luck and Jane-10Years-IVF#5-MC#3.

It occurred to me that I didn't have such a timeline anywhere on the blog detailing my IF struggles prior to Mr. R and that is where the bulk of my time in the trenches was spent so I added a handy second page you know... for your consideration when handing out support points. ;)

Waiting... Waiting... Waiting...

Well, it's Monday.  Officially 9 days since I last spoke with the clinic about the trial and I still have nothing in my hands that says I am in.  No email, no follow up paperwork, nada!  It's still super early, but I am really REALLY hoping to hear from them today with "next steps".  I just need something tangible to bank on.

My crazy infertile brain is already playing the fate game.  "Don't be too confident that you're in, then something will come up."  "If you pretend to yourself that you aren't in, then you WILL be in."  Make plans, LOTS of plans for the first week of October.  Make plans that require deposits.  If you already have good plans, then you will be in the trial.  Guaranteed!" 

Meh.

I'm in a STUDY!!!

We recently took a road trip and managed to tune into a radio station that Mr. R loves, but we can't get in our area of Texas.  It's a local station, but for some reason won't play for us out in the sticks.

I just got off work that morning and was dead tired and napping all the way to our 4 hour destination, but Mr. R heard an ad for an IVF trial for women over 35 years old and woke me up at the tail end.  I heard the name of a clinic which sounded something like mine.   You know how they are all named Fertility Treatment Center of, Texas Fertility Associates, Texas Center for Reproduction, etc. I wasn't totally sure... besides... if it was MY clinic, surely they would have let me know about a study, right?
We went about our camping weekend and I didn't give it another thought until Monday when we returned.  Mr. R reminded me to call the clinic and find out...

Guess WHAT?!?!?  It IS my clinic holding the trial and I DO qualify!!!!  (Why they didn't call me and tell me about it is beyond me since I am glaringly perfect for the trial since it's for DOR/POF over 35!) Anywhoo... I spoke with the nurse who gave their list of requirements and only two things are an issue... 1)  I have to have an FSH under 12... now my most recent reading was at a 10, but the one before that was at 19.... so who knows where it will be when the trial starts.  and 2)  There cannot be any male factor issues... we don't know about that. Mr. R as you know has two healthy children already, but he has a 15 year old vasectomy that may pose a problem.  We're meeting with the urologist on the 23rd to see about that, but luckily the fact that we will need to do a sperm aspiration for our trial does not disqualify us, but that portion will be out of our own pocket.  At $2,000  that's a DEAL!  The trial is also not completely free, it's going to cost me $1,500 but that is just 10% of the required amount for a self-pay so I am stoked!  We currently still only have about $8,000 saved because of various car troubles that have set our savings back, so when she said this I cried!  She was all freaked out -- really?  You deal with desperate infertiles every day and my crying freaked you out?  Wow!

One thing that struck me is that when she said, "There is a small cost involved." I replied, "I have $8,000 saved so far, what's the cost?" She said, "Oh no, with $8,000 you can do a few trial cycles..."  I was so shocked I didn't think to ask her what she meant by that... Ladies who have trial experience, can you tell me if these trials usually have multiple cycles?  Or is it a one time deal?  I don't want to be the squeaky wheel who keeps calling with questions so I don't want to call and ask.  Also... once you're accepted for a trial... don't you need to receive some paperwork or something?  I guess since they already have all my information since it's actually with MY RE they don't need much from me.  But all I have that says I am in the trial is her word (which I checked multiple times, "So I am in?  You're sure I am in?  I qualify for the trial right?  Okay, so for sure... unless my FSH is too high, I am in??") over the phone.  It's only been a week, and trial isn't due to start until first/second week of October... (they're waiting for their current trial to finish). Eeekk!!!  I feel like I want something written.  I want to have a to-do list.  I need something physical to make this feel more real!

So the plan... I have lost a bunch m ore weight since I last posted.  I am down to 188lbs which is 10lbs away from an official "Healthy" BMI.  I am proud of that.  But here's truth time... I did pick up a few cigarettes in the last few months.  I am not proud of it, but the stress got to me!  I am back on the quitting wagon now though and will be smoke-free again before the trial starts.  I also started slacking on all my supplements.  The harder it became to save money, the more despondent I became.  Honestly I had almost given  up hope when this trial option came up.  Now I am all about it again.  I will (HOPEFULLY) get one shot in this year.  And can continue saving for a second shot in the new year... unless of course this trial involves multiple cycles.  SQUEEEEEEE!!!

Okay, that's enough out of me.  Time to go check in on some other blogs now that I am feeling a little less sorry for myself. I am not proud, but at least I am honest, right?  xx

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my 35th birthday.  To most women this new year marks nothing more significant than being half way through their 30s, but to an infertile it marks a dreaded new category... Now I have to consider a whole new group of stats: "35-40" and of course, my success rate drops a few more points... I am trying not to focus on the numbers.  How do my eggs know that today they're another year older, right?  At least I have a plan and I am doing everything I can to ensure success.

Speaking of my plan, I want to share an update... It's not going well... (yup, I am just FULL of good news today aren't I?)  We JUST made it back to the $3,000 we had to dig into to make bills while Mr. R was between jobs and BAM, both cars need urgent work at the same time... Luckily we still managed to contain the fall out to a few ($500) hundred dollars but still.  Our donation site is not doing nearly as well as we had hoped.  We're selling some tickets for the raffle, but many friends have said they would buy and haven't and I just don't want to harass anyone... So our total donations now stand at $860.  I still have a side project to work on and invoice, but that will only bring in another $200-ish.  On the bright side tomorrow is payday and I worked an additional 28 hours of overtime this pay cycle, so I am going to throw that all on the pile.  I am NOT making any headway with the withdrawal of funds out of my old retirement account back in my home country. It's impossible to reach them at an off peak time given the time zone difference and my working nights.  I plan to make that happen this Sunday night if it means staying up till 3am to do so.

And that's about all the fertility related news I have.  I have a few emails that I need to respond to but with working all these extra shifts (we're SUPER short staffed at work right now) and birthdays (Mr. R was last Friday) I've been very distracted and busy.  It's rude, and I apologize profusely!  I promise to get back to you this evening.

Fundraising: A New Plan

 

We've had our donation page open for about a month now and the donations have been slower than we had hoped.  I know that in this economic climate not everyone has money to give away for nothing and so we've been thinking about different ways to try and encourage assistance.  A few friends suggested a raffle and we spent some time weighing the pros and cons of doing one and if we did, what sort of "prize" we might use.  We decided on alcohol... I wasn't too sure about this at first, thinking it was hardly appropriate given that the money will ultimately go towards IVF treatments, but then I noticed that all the local kids sports clubs and even some local school fundraisers have some kinds of alcohol prizes in the mix.  Besides... we know our audience and our family, both work and blood, are definitely going to be more interested in alcohol than just about anything else we can afford to come up with.

We decided to put together this cool mini bar.  It's a box that opens up into a bar, contains two tumblers and shot glasses and coasters and then multiple mini bottles of booze.  It's really super cute and I haven't seen anything like this around before.  It has actually generated a bunch of interest and people are definitely more keen to drop some money on a chance that they might win something.  I also feel less shy to ask people to buy raffle tickets than I am to ask people to give me money for nothing.  I feel less like a beggar. :)

So far all I've done is posted a picture on FB and printed 2 small black and white (not great) fliers to share with people at work.  We've raised an additional $180 just in 24 hours so that's pretty good. We still have a LONG way to go to reach the needed $15,000 but every little bit helps. A lot of people have told me that they're waiting on pay day on Friday so I will keep you updated.

Taking a DHEA Break

Urg... I was going to save the next supplement update for 2 weeks time and give you a full month feedback but this change came with such a dramatic hormonal performance I feel like I should add this in right now so everyone is aware of this potential side effect.

I mentioned in another post how I started feeling a little more emotional than normal, but I figured it might just be DHEA, a little PMS mixed in with an emotional day (Father's Day) and lack of sleep.

Last week I was bouncing off the walls with emotions.  Literally up one second and down the next and then crying, then angry and then outrageously happy or excited.  By Saturday I was a mess.  I was having panic attacks, crying -- I mean SOBBING -- at the drop of a hat and one minute I felt like I wanted to slap Mr. R and the next I wanted to hug him and just cry.  Bless him he was so patient in dealing with me and it gives me hope for how he will be when it comes time to hit the hormones for treatment, but really  this was NOT fun.

I am convinced that it is related to the DHEA and so I stopped taking it on Saturday.  Yesterday (Sunday) I felt a bit better, not as emotional and today (Monday) I feel better still.  More in control of myself.  I plan to give myself a week long DHEA break and then maybe bring it back at a lower dose, and go for a week on, and then a week off, and repeat like that until we stim.  Dr. C has already told me no DHEA after we get started.  He's not a big fan of the stuff.

Anyway, if anyone out there is following along with the supps I am taking, I would advise you to keep a close eye on the DHEA because WOWZA did it ever cause a reaction in me!

Discount IVF Meds

Woohoo!  A little good news today from EMD Serono (remember the Compassionate Care application I submitted for up to 75% discount on my Gonal F and Cetrotide).  I faxed the application paperwork to them on Tuesday evening, and received my card and number, etc today by email.  What a relief! (and such amazingly fast turnaround time.) 

I realize that's just a discount on 2 of the 6 meds I will be needing, but as has been my motto through most of this planning stage, every little bit helps. 

I have discovered that there are two other programs that may offer reduced rates on meds that I need.  Heart + and Design Rx.  However, these two programs are pharmacy specific I am told by my finance rep at the RE.  In other words, only certain pharmacies will accept the discounts, and the pharmacy that my RE prefers (read: is pushing me) to use is not one of them. 

Heart +
This program is, again, not going to save thousands of dollars.  The website states, up to $500 though only one of the meds on my list - Novarel - is covered by this plan, and I have no idea what that costs, so I am quite sure that the full $500 savings won't apply here. Heart + offers eligible patients savings on prescriptions for Bravelle, Menopur, Endometrin and Novarel.

DesignRX
From their website:  DesignRx partners with pharmaceutical manufacturers through its elite network of specialty pharmacies to offer unique programs to help patients with little or no drug coverage. The DesignRx pharmacies are carefully chosen to participate in the network based on their distribution volumes, geographical locations, experience within a given disease state, and overall patient customer service.
I seem to have registered for this one, but really it's all not very clear.  I need to do a bit more digging to try and figure out what it is that I signed up for, as there seems to be some type of membership forum attached to the site as well.  At any rate, they discount Crinone 4 which is on my meds list.

Here's where I could use some help/advice/opinions...

1) Have you ever used either of these programs (Heart + or Design Rx)?  Were they worthwhile?

2)  What pharmacies do you recommend?  My RE likes Freedom Pharmacy but they really push them a lot and I get the feeling that theirs is a mutually beneficial relationship - which usually does not bode well for patient prices.  I don't mind going through multiple pharmacies, I just need to keep the costs as low as possible and I would at least like to have something to compare Freedom to, to make sure that I am getting the best deal.

Any advice from those of you who have walked this road before me would be GREATLY appreciated!!

Supplement Cocktail - 2 Week Update

Today I finally got my order in and have added wheatgrass, Maca and Chaste Tree (Vitex) to my daily supplements.  I've already learned that PB protein shake and wheatgrass should never, NEVER be mixed together... under any circumstances!  Awful stuff.  But given the price of wheatgrass I gulped it down like a good girl anyway. :) 

As a reminder, here's what I am currently taking daily:

CoQ10 - 800mg/day
DHEA - 75mg/day
Royal Jelly - 456mg (concentrate) / day. If you have the jelly itself you need 1500mg/day
Fish, Flax, Borage, Omega 3,6,9 - 2 caps/ day
Melatonin - 3mg/day
Prenatal Vitamin - 1/day
L-Arginine - 1 cap 3x/day
Black Cohosh 3 caps/day
Ginseng - 1 cap/day
Thai Ginger- 1 cap/day
Vit D3 - 1000mg / day
Baby Aspirin 1/day
Red Raspberry Tea - 1cup/day

I have now added:

Maca - 2 caps/day
Vitex - 2 caps/day
Wheatgrass - one shot/sachet

Still waiting on :

Myomin
Pregnitude

Actually, I've been taking my other mother-load of supplements for close to two weeks now and I haven't yet mentioned anything about what I am feeling as a result, aside from this post where I thought maybe the DHEA was partly to blame for my agitation.

Really there hasn't been much to note.  I suppose I have been noticing more "twingy" feeling in that general area, but then I am more focused on it than normal. 

I can definitely say that this has been the most painful period I've had in a while, and for someone with endometriosis that's saying something!  This month has been the kind where you get up at night and pace and cry and rock yourself back and forth and give in and take a hydrocodone to numb the pain.  This may be TMI... but it's important for me to track this... I am usually a clotter.  Every period is just horrendous with the large clots but this cycle (maybe from baby aspirin) the clots have been MUCH smaller, but the flow has been heavier. 

My skin has been a little oilier than normal, and I have super oily skin to start with so I am not enjoying that.  Also I have had a small break out, not unusual for me at this time of the month.  I will keep an eye on it and let you know if it continues past this week.

Other than the above my nails are growing long and strong as you'd expect and thanks to the melatonin I am sleeping deep and full of crazy dreams.  Oh!  And I have definitely been more energetic and am getting more done in the day -- but then this has been ramping up slowly with my weight loss as well.  I kind of feel half as though I am "nesting".  Clearing out closets, and cleaning behind large pieces of furniture.

I'll check back after a full month with a recap, but so far I am not experiencing anything that would deter me from continuing to take this cocktail of supplements at all. Everything has been mild, apart from my cramps - but they suck anyway. On the flip side, I am also not experiencing anything that leads me to believe that this wonder-mix is working it's magic.  We're going on blind faith here people... isn't that pretty much ALL we do in dealing with infertility? 

Fundraising Progress

As I mentioned in my previous post my attention of late has largely been focused on the financing of our great IVF adventure.  You may remember this post where I said that we had $3,000 in savings and worked out the balance we would require? Yeah.  As I alluded to in that post, things changed... That $3,000 has dwindled down over the last two months.  You see Mr. R was working in a "fill my time" job just to bring in a little cash until he could get back into his chosen career.  What we didn't realize is just HOW little that job would bring in.  Rent was due, I was maxed out on all our other bills, we had to hit the savings.  ERG!

We're putting it all back again this month though.  I am working any and all overtime available and as I have mentioned, I also have a sideline online business that I have been ramping up lately.  Our current Savings total is $2,325.94 which includes $520 in family donations to our donation web page.

I mentioned in passing to my mother last week that I might as well contact the company which holds my old South African retirement policy and see if they will let me cash it in early or if there are any options.  I only paid into it for like 3 years and froze it when I left the country.  The exchange rate from Rands to Dollars is 10 to 1, so I expected R3,000 or $300.  Still... $300 is $300!  Not to be sneezed at when you're pulling out all the stops.  I'd give them a call and figure something out.

Well on Tuesday last week I did just that and guess what?!?!?  My policy that has been left alone these past 7 years is worth a little more than I thought.  In the region of R50,000!!  ($5,000)  That's a third of the money we need!  Apparently since I have officially emigrated they are able to provide me with access to the money now.  I don't fully understand how or why, but I was so excited that I woke Mr. R up to share the good news! (To call during business hours in South Africa I needed to stay up till 2am).  I am scared to count that money into our saving total until it is IN my hand and not just a theory.  There are numerous hilarious "third world-y" hoops through which I need to jump in order to receive this money and knowing how things usually work in my country I expect several people to claim a slice of the pie before it reaches my bank account.  (THIS is the pessimist in me again. haha)

So here's a summary.

What is working for us:

-  Cashing in old forgotten about policies in foreign lands!!

- Online side jobs which can be completed while at my full-time job, thus creating two pay checks for the same hour.  :)  (Don't worry, no one's life is at stake when I do my second job at my first job).

What is not working for us:

-  Donation page.  We're finding that family and friends are not nearly as generous as we had hoped.  (Does this sound ungrateful? I guess I am being honest here.)  People who we know to be very wealthy and who seemed very sympathetic about our situation haven't made any donations at all.  I'm talking close, family members and friends.  People we consider our "besties".  And then on the opposite side of things we are shocked by the donations no matter how small made by people we know are going through terribly rough time right now financially, and whom we don't really know AS well....  Funny isn't it how situations like this can bring clarity to different areas in our lives.  Our parents have been putting in as much as they can but they're also not in any great financial position to help right now.  Well, not all our parents are helping... "TV Dad" seems to think that we don't need IVF, and should rather rely on prayer... though what the baby Jesus is going to do about a 15 year old vasectomy I don't quite now.  (This may be another reason why I was irritated at his presence in our home yesterday.) 

- Overtime. Really, as much as I want to believe that all these extra hours I am spending tied to a desk at work for 12 hours are paying off I don't think that they are. If I do one full extra night shift I only make a little under $200.  I am going to need to do a WHOLE lot of them in order to bring us closer to the kind of money we need.  And all this time I spend at work means less time I see Mr. R.  He works days, and I work nights so we literally see each other for 5 minutes as he leaves work and I am about to go into work.  We meet for a kiss and a hug in a parking lot.  Given the amount of stress all this is causing, I don't know how well we're going to be able to keep this up as a couple.

What we're trying next...

We've decided to try and up the ante on the donation page a little. I figure people are less likely to give a handout for nothing than they are to take a gamble on a potential prize.  We looked at our friend group and decided that the prize should be something alcoholic (we're in Law Enforcement remember?) and so we're in the process of assembling this cool little mini bar box, and filling it with loads of alcoholic minis.  It's super cute and I feel like it will be an affordable way to make something unique and "raffle" worthy.  Hopefully it will bring us the donations... *cough* excuse me, interest in ticket purchases, that we need to start really making progress.

I'll report back soon with progress on this.  I feel like keeping this blog updated with the finances will help us keep our focus, and help us be more accountable.

As of 6/17/2013 - $2,325.94 / $15,083.75
(and I am going to add this to the sidebar and see if I can find a little visual representation of our progress to add as well.)

Hopeful? Or Stupid?

I am weak.  I had resigned myself to focusing ONLY on the business immediately at hand - MONEY!  I had decided not to think about what MIGHT come of this project.  Not to consider what life might be like this time next year if we are successful.  I am a pessimist, and Mr. R is an optimist.  We balance each other out perfectly... I make him consider cold hard facts, and he makes me consider the joy in any situation.  It works PERFECTLY -- usually.

Mr. Rs dad was in town this weekend for Father's day and his birthday.  He's a nice man, quiet, has a weird (annoying) sense of humor, but he's a dad so what's new?  He arrived on Friday and spent all day out with Mr. R at movies on Saturday. I awoke Sunday to the TV blaring in the living room.  Ugh... here we go... You see Mr. R is a movie junkie, and so are his father and brother... But Mr. R actually likes to DO other stuff... his brother and dad do not.  So my Sunday was spent outside with Mr.R barbecuing lunch for everyone, or rushing through the boom of the TV in the pitch black living room to get to the quiet, cool, peace of my bedroom.  His father and brother made a few cursory attempts at conversation outdoors, before pronouncing it too hot and disappeared back inside where they commandeered the remote for the rest of the day.  While my poor guy was out in the mosquitoes and the blazing sun making lunch. Erg...

Now I can't say that I've noticed many side-effects from all these supplements, but yesterday I THINK I noticed some of the DHEA rage I've heard mentioned.  I was annoyed.  I felt trapped in my own home.  I felt uncomfortable and I felt super defensive of my guy being walked over... How rational I was being is debatable.  I just know that I felt out of place and uncomfortable and closed in and I needed some air.

My lovely guy decided we needed to go out for some fro-yo and a breather.  Bless him!

Knowing that Target (right across the street from fro-yo shop) is my happy place he offered to endure a quick browse through the clearance sections (one of my favorite things to do in the whole wide world). There were a few things, as always, that caught my eye but nothing worth taking money away from savings for so I was about to walk out empty handed as we passed the end caps down the middle of the store near the baby aisles...

Ohhhhhh Target baby aisles how I love you.  I peek out of the corner of my eye every time I go to your store.  I daren't ever go in for a closer look.   I might cry if I do that. I dream of the day I'll be able to go into Target and walk straight into that aisle and pick something out for my own baby. I've had that dream for 7 years now. Last night something brazen flickered in my heart and I turned to Mr. R and said, "Hey, let's just go and pick out ONE thing for our baby.  Just one small, inexpensive thing. Something positive and symbolic of our faith that this will work."

He was shocked.  As I said earlier, MY role is pessimist, HIS role is optimist.  HE is supposed to be the one making these kinds of suggestions... He went along with it and the two of us went in.  I felt SO uncomfortable squeezing past the heavily pregnant woman looking at receiving blankets.  Did I feel her belly check me?  Probably not.  I wanted to turn to her and say, "You know, you're going to receive so many of those as gifts at your shower, don't waste your money." But who was I to offer that kind of advice?  I held my tongue and kept browsing.  Reality started to creep back in as I began trying to work my way out of the aisle and back to the safety of the walkway without looking awkward...

"Babe?" I heard Mr. R, one aisle, over call me.  I seized my chance to escape and almost ran out to the middle to meet him.  He held aloft a small package.  "These are perfect!  A little bit of Africa.  Good for boy or girl.... or both," he squeaked that last part out.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.  Tears were welling up in my eyes. THIS is the man I want to be the father of my child/ren.  We left the store and got our yogurt.  This sweet little token of our hopes tucked away in my purse.

Happy Father's Day my love.  Even if we are unsuccessful in all of this, know that I would choose you again and again to be the father of my babies.