Monday, June 17, 2013

Hopeful? Or Stupid?

I am weak.  I had resigned myself to focusing ONLY on the business immediately at hand - MONEY!  I had decided not to think about what MIGHT come of this project.  Not to consider what life might be like this time next year if we are successful.  I am a pessimist, and Mr. R is an optimist.  We balance each other out perfectly... I make him consider cold hard facts, and he makes me consider the joy in any situation.  It works PERFECTLY -- usually.

Mr. Rs dad was in town this weekend for Father's day and his birthday.  He's a nice man, quiet, has a weird (annoying) sense of humor, but he's a dad so what's new?  He arrived on Friday and spent all day out with Mr. R at movies on Saturday. I awoke Sunday to the TV blaring in the living room.  Ugh... here we go... You see Mr. R is a movie junkie, and so are his father and brother... But Mr. R actually likes to DO other stuff... his brother and dad do not.  So my Sunday was spent outside with Mr.R barbecuing lunch for everyone, or rushing through the boom of the TV in the pitch black living room to get to the quiet, cool, peace of my bedroom.  His father and brother made a few cursory attempts at conversation outdoors, before pronouncing it too hot and disappeared back inside where they commandeered the remote for the rest of the day.  While my poor guy was out in the mosquitoes and the blazing sun making lunch. Erg...

Now I can't say that I've noticed many side-effects from all these supplements, but yesterday I THINK I noticed some of the DHEA rage I've heard mentioned.  I was annoyed.  I felt trapped in my own home.  I felt uncomfortable and I felt super defensive of my guy being walked over... How rational I was being is debatable.  I just know that I felt out of place and uncomfortable and closed in and I needed some air.

My lovely guy decided we needed to go out for some fro-yo and a breather.  Bless him!

Knowing that Target (right across the street from fro-yo shop) is my happy place he offered to endure a quick browse through the clearance sections (one of my favorite things to do in the whole wide world). There were a few things, as always, that caught my eye but nothing worth taking money away from savings for so I was about to walk out empty handed as we passed the end caps down the middle of the store near the baby aisles...

Ohhhhhh Target baby aisles how I love you.  I peek out of the corner of my eye every time I go to your store.  I daren't ever go in for a closer look.   I might cry if I do that. I dream of the day I'll be able to go into Target and walk straight into that aisle and pick something out for my own baby. I've had that dream for 7 years now. Last night something brazen flickered in my heart and I turned to Mr. R and said, "Hey, let's just go and pick out ONE thing for our baby.  Just one small, inexpensive thing. Something positive and symbolic of our faith that this will work."

He was shocked.  As I said earlier, MY role is pessimist, HIS role is optimist.  HE is supposed to be the one making these kinds of suggestions... He went along with it and the two of us went in.  I felt SO uncomfortable squeezing past the heavily pregnant woman looking at receiving blankets.  Did I feel her belly check me?  Probably not.  I wanted to turn to her and say, "You know, you're going to receive so many of those as gifts at your shower, don't waste your money." But who was I to offer that kind of advice?  I held my tongue and kept browsing.  Reality started to creep back in as I began trying to work my way out of the aisle and back to the safety of the walkway without looking awkward...

"Babe?" I heard Mr. R, one aisle, over call me.  I seized my chance to escape and almost ran out to the middle to meet him.  He held aloft a small package.  "These are perfect!  A little bit of Africa.  Good for boy or girl.... or both," he squeaked that last part out.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.  Tears were welling up in my eyes. THIS is the man I want to be the father of my child/ren.  We left the store and got our yogurt.  This sweet little token of our hopes tucked away in my purse.

Happy Father's Day my love.  Even if we are unsuccessful in all of this, know that I would choose you again and again to be the father of my babies. 


  1. This post totally brought tears to my eyes. The baby aisle makes my own pessimistic mind think I'm never going to be able to walk down it for myself. I LOVE the idea of getting something symbolic to keep with you always. I am seriously considering stealing the idea lol :)

    And as far as how you were feeling about Mr Rs father & brother, speaking from my own experience and not really knowing the full side effects of the DHEA, I would have felt the same way you were. I hate to see people I love getting taken advantage of-especially when its family (it happens ALL the time with my fiancee ughh! his family takes my good mood, stomps on it and throws it in the trash in a matter of minutes) My mother tells me thats normal lol and that's why they are referred to as "the out laws"

    1. Truthfully, I've taken them out of my purse and tucked them away in my drawer. Every time I see them my stomach does flip-flops and I start to panic that I am thinking TOO positively. If I let myself go down that road I am afraid I will be broken if results are negative. It's self preservation I think. :/

      Hahahaha the "out laws" that's perfect! Love that!