Donor Option

We're back to looking at DE options.  We could try one more time with my eggs and see if we have any blasts to test, but the reality is that, based on our previous cycles, it's highly unlikely that we're going to see success. Mr R is really not happy at work but he's hanging in there for the insurance. The longer this takes, the unhappier he gets. I don't want to continue torturing him. Trying "one more time" with my own eggs is effectively wasting another 2 months and will push our last insurance covered cycle - the one we were planning to use for our de  - I to next year when we're going to have to pay co-pays again.

I've spoken with donor banks. Out of pocket after what insurance company covers - $15,000
I've spoken with frozen egg banks. Insurance won't cover egg purchase. - $14,400
I've spoken with my clinic in-house, fresh donor coordinator - $? (Pending)

I found the PERFECT donor in the frozen bank. She's exactly what I was hoping for! But $14,400 is way outside of what we can afford. Our last hope is our own clinic donor program which is around $17,000 but insurance will cover a large portion of that - or so we've been told.

I am struggling with this....

Our clinic has very limited options.  Four donors with blue eyes. None of them has so much as a wave to their hair. The only one with O blood group has a super high forehead and very thin hair which Mr R has very strong feelings about. I have 2 top choices but the truth is neither of them would have even made the list had I been selecting from a donor bank or frozen bank. I feel like I am settling. Like money is the deciding factor here - it IS -  but I feel guilty/stupid for letting finances dictate the genetics of my future child/ren.  Those I've spoken to about this say I am over analyzing this. A baby is a baby. "You want a child right? So what's the problem." The problem is I don't just want A child... I want MY child and I'm not quite over that yet.

The next part is disclosure...  Mr R doesn't want ANYONE to know we used DE. Not even the child. I don't want anyone to know, but I'd prefer the child knows - maybe not from birth, but eventually. Also, if we want to do things Mr Rs way we HAVE to have a donor blood type O since both he and I are O.  I don't want my child to grow up with the whole "you're not even my real mom" thought in his/her head. I also don't want them to find out by accident as an adult which might cause them great emotional distress and cause them to live a drug addled life on the street.... Or something...  A friend of mine who used DE says she regrets telling her folks because her mom now has Alzheimer's and keeps saying inappropriate things to her twins (now 4 yrs old). Her father makes no effort to see them for birthdays etc because "they're not really my grand kids". Ugh! How heartbreaking!!

As for me... I just cannot let go of a genetic link. I can't wait to hold a baby in my arms and experience all of the joys of motherhood. But I can't yet say that somewhere deep in my heart I don't/won't  long  to look into my baby's eyes and see my own .  And this makes me worry that I may (in a hormonal haze) be resentful of my de child. Ugh... I don't think I am expressing myself well. I want so badly to be comfortable and happy and at peace with DE and if I am not then maybe now is not the right time to do this... But again... Money... Time... And are my fears normal? DE mamas did y'all have any of the same fears/thoughts? I need to commune with other DE mamas I think.

0

Morulaaaaaaaaaa

I'm soooooooo excited!!!!

Embryologist says this is very good news! He has every expectation that we'll have a blast by morning.

He's going to call late. Only after he does the biopsy and freezes him.

I CANT BELIEVE WE MADE IT!!

1... At 10 cells

We lost the other two as expected. But our one little guy went from 4 to 10 cells yesterday. Embryologist kept telling us that he SHOULD be a morula by today, blast by tomorrow. But I don't even care! The point is that he grew a lot yesterday and it looks like we're still in the game!

It may be day 6 before we can sample and freeze him, but we have a chance that he could make it now!!

1

Day 3 report... 1 at 4 cells (should be 6-8

today but it's still dividing so that's fine). Other two got to 2 cells and stopped. They'll keep them over night for observation but they don't hold out much hope for them.

One embryo left. 2 - 3 days to go.

He promised to call me on day 4 even though it's not the norm.

Still 3!

Division report shows 3 embryos at two cells each. I know that two cells is good, but I can't help but wish they were 4 cells just to put my mind at ease. 

But no more Debbie downer. We have 3 and they're all still growing on day 2. I am happy with that and hopeful that tomorrow we see 3 at 4-8 cells.

3

So far I'm right....

Already mourning this wasted cycle...

7

9 follicles. 7 eggs. 5 mature and ICSI'd

Dejavu...

Here's how this plays out from here...

Fert report will say 3 fertilized. 2 not yet but they'll keep them overnight to observe.

Division report will say 3 divided, 1 front runner the other 2 lagging.

Day 3 report will say 2 arrested, 1 still going.

I've never been to day 5 so I don't know if "Solo" will make it that far.

Monday is a LONG way away...

Please do whatever fertility dance, song, prayer you can that I am completely wrong. It will break my heart if we don't have anything to send for PGS testing.

Thank you.

9... maybe 10...

This is a non-jinxing drive-by post to let you know...

-  Tomorrow is ER
-  My E2 is through the roof (for me) at 1437 (yesterday)
-  We're seeing 9 follies:  21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16 x 3, 15.  And one at 10mm with 2 days to grow.
-  Nurses and docs are jumping for joy with me.
-  The wait till Monday is going to be excruciating!

Overdue Update

It's been a whirlwind few weeks. We've been out of town on mini vacation last weekend and here we are three days away from ER and I've not updated this blog. The truth is this cycle is going well... SO well and I'm scared to jinx it. 

So here's the update in a quick nutshell. Started stims last Friday. Pulled over on the side of the road enroute to our vacation destination for my first shot because we forgot to do it before we left. The weekend spent with good friends was so awesome that we were repeatedly late for our shots and had to set alarms to remind us. (A far cry from our usual sit-and-watch-the-clock process). While we were away I ate what I wanted, drank with friends and just totally relaxed. Because we were away we didn't get to do our first u/s until day 5 of stims... And.... We had TEN follies responding!!! Two were pretty far behind though. So really just 8. But let's look at past cycles... #1: 3, #2: 4...

Had an updated u/s this morning and it looks like 8 for sure are gonna make it to ER. Largest one at 17mm, but most are hovering around 14mm and my smallest are 11 and 12. With the outside chancers at 8 and 9... So they won't be counted.

ER was scheduled for Wed but we're waiting and extra day to get the 11 and 12 up to above 14.  So I trigger Tues.

Better run... I have a bunch of meds to try and scrounge together to cover me for one extra day!