We're back to looking at DE options. We could try one more time with my eggs and see if we have any blasts to test, but the reality is that, based on our previous cycles, it's highly unlikely that we're going to see success. Mr R is really not happy at work but he's hanging in there for the insurance. The longer this takes, the unhappier he gets. I don't want to continue torturing him. Trying "one more time" with my own eggs is effectively wasting another 2 months and will push our last insurance covered cycle - the one we were planning to use for our de - I to next year when we're going to have to pay co-pays again.
I've spoken with donor banks. Out of pocket after what insurance company covers - $15,000
I've spoken with frozen egg banks. Insurance won't cover egg purchase. - $14,400
I've spoken with my clinic in-house, fresh donor coordinator - $? (Pending)
I found the PERFECT donor in the frozen bank. She's exactly what I was hoping for! But $14,400 is way outside of what we can afford. Our last hope is our own clinic donor program which is around $17,000 but insurance will cover a large portion of that - or so we've been told.
I am struggling with this....
Our clinic has very limited options. Four donors with blue eyes. None of them has so much as a wave to their hair. The only one with O blood group has a super high forehead and very thin hair which Mr R has very strong feelings about. I have 2 top choices but the truth is neither of them would have even made the list had I been selecting from a donor bank or frozen bank. I feel like I am settling. Like money is the deciding factor here - it IS - but I feel guilty/stupid for letting finances dictate the genetics of my future child/ren. Those I've spoken to about this say I am over analyzing this. A baby is a baby. "You want a child right? So what's the problem." The problem is I don't just want A child... I want MY child and I'm not quite over that yet.
The next part is disclosure... Mr R doesn't want ANYONE to know we used DE. Not even the child. I don't want anyone to know, but I'd prefer the child knows - maybe not from birth, but eventually. Also, if we want to do things Mr Rs way we HAVE to have a donor blood type O since both he and I are O. I don't want my child to grow up with the whole "you're not even my real mom" thought in his/her head. I also don't want them to find out by accident as an adult which might cause them great emotional distress and cause them to live a drug addled life on the street.... Or something... A friend of mine who used DE says she regrets telling her folks because her mom now has Alzheimer's and keeps saying inappropriate things to her twins (now 4 yrs old). Her father makes no effort to see them for birthdays etc because "they're not really my grand kids". Ugh! How heartbreaking!!
As for me... I just cannot let go of a genetic link. I can't wait to hold a baby in my arms and experience all of the joys of motherhood. But I can't yet say that somewhere deep in my heart I don't/won't long to look into my baby's eyes and see my own . And this makes me worry that I may (in a hormonal haze) be resentful of my de child. Ugh... I don't think I am expressing myself well. I want so badly to be comfortable and happy and at peace with DE and if I am not then maybe now is not the right time to do this... But again... Money... Time... And are my fears normal? DE mamas did y'all have any of the same fears/thoughts? I need to commune with other DE mamas I think.