We Trigger on Monday

What a week it has been! As you know, we started with 12 follies.  Well after a week of stims, we are down to 3 over 10mm in size, and they upped my Gonal F dosage from 225 iu to 450 iu on Friday.  I went in this morning for a follow up and the three have increased from 11mm (the largest) went to 20mm.  The other two are now 14mm and 15 mm respectively.  I have given up hope that another friend may join us at the party.  It looks like we're going to just have these three, and I am at peace with that.

I am on another shot of 450iu Gonal F tonight, and then tomorrow morning I go in for my last blood draw and date with the dildo cam.  We will most likely trigger tomorrow night and retrieval is going to be on Wednesday transfer on Saturday. 

Mr. R has started looking at YouTube videos of the TESE procedure and he is not looking forward to this at all!  I feel bad for him, but I am excited to see that it is possible to collect and save multiple vials of sperm for future attempts. I didn't realize that was possible, but after seeing how extensive this procedure is I am glad that it's an option.

I still can't quite get my head around the thought that this is it.  I am IN an IVF cycle... This week there will exist on this planet little beings that are made of half me and half Mr. R.  They may not live long, they may not make it to birth... but for a short while they will be here on this earth with us.

I am wrestling with positivity... I want so much to believe that this is it.  I have a strong, VERY strong feeling that this is not the end for us... that this is just a step on the road. 

My forum February cycle group are dropping BFPs like it's going out of fashion.  Only one BFN.  The last two are me and one other lady.  She had her transfer today.  Then it's my turn.  What if our luck has run out?? ARGH!!

Do not be anxious about anything...

I am not a religious person.  I was raised completely without religion.  I always thought of religion as a crutch.  Mr R was raised in a very religious household.  As a teen he went about handing out fliers and talking to complete strangers about Jesus.  Where religion is concerned we could not be more different.

In finding out that the trial had started we both reached out to the people we know to be "prayer warriors" and asked them to add us to their list.  My own agnostic (but formerly Catholic) mother has been attending mass every morning since the day we found out that the trial is back on.  She has been saying the rosary every spare chance she gets.

I have started praying WITH Mr. R every morning and every night figuring it can't hurt.

I stumbled into this quote on Kandie's blog yesterday and it gives me such a strong sense of peace.  My brain is running constantly with long lists of all the ways this is going to end badly.  Every step forward we take on this journey I keep waiting for someone to slap me across the face and bring me back down to earth.  I know that I need to try and remain positive, but as you all well know that's really REALLY hard to do... and then I read this, and I feel calm, and at peace and I wonder to myself if maybe, just maybe I need the "crutch" that I've always made fun of?

(Some) Results Are In

I just got the call.  SOME of the blood work is back.  Well, the ones I was most concerned about are back anyway....

First a trip down CD3 test memory lane:

DEC, 2012:
AMH: <0.16
FSH: 19.8
E2: 17

MAY, 2013:
AMH: 0.28
FSH: 10
E2: 23

"NORMAL":
AMH: 1-3
FSH: 3-10
E2: 25-75



*drumroll*




JAN, 2014
AMH: <not tested>
FSH: 8.9
E2:  50.1

HO-LEE-CRAP! My FSH and my E2 are now what they would consider to be "normal"!?!  My December 2012 readings were such that my RE opened the conversation with a recommendation of donor eggs.  "No point wasting money trying with your own.  These numbers do not bode well for you."

AHHHHH!!!!  I want to run around this office nekkid yelling at the top of my lungs!

Still Prolactin and Thyroid results to come, but I've never had any concerns around these two, so not super concerned... Of course now I've said that THIS is where the problem will be.  Erg. Infertility man. 

Down. Down. Down.

Well, we're almost half way through October and I still don't have a start date for the IVF trial.  I don't want to keep bugging them by phone, so I sent an email to the coordinator through our patient portal on Monday and as yet am still waiting on a response. To recap I haven't heard anything from them since September 20th when they again confirmed that I am for sure in the study and that they are still waiting to firm up a start date but expect it to be the first or second week of October. Monday marks the start of the third week of October and I haven't heard anything more from them, nor have I had a reply to my email.  I am starting to think the trial isn't going to happen.  Or that it IS happening, but they decided that my numbers were too "shifty" and they don't want to risk using me. I can't see them going to the expense of running a radio commercial for a trial which wasn't ready to roll, right? I'd like to think that they would have contacted me if I no longer qualified.  Ugh. I am so lost in all of this.

I am really struggling right now. My thoughts are getting darker and darker by the day. If this trial doesn't go through we're still a few months away from having enough money saved for our own IVF. And I don't have months to waste.

Lately (more than ever before) it seems I am surrounded by pregnant women.  I've been on FB hiatus for the last 3 weeks because I just cannot take it any more.  Every other post is an announcement, an ultrasound, little Timmy's birthday party, etc.  We can't even go out to eat because I SWEAR every waitress in my small town is pregnant... And now even my usually safe haven of work is being infiltrated by the fertile masses.  Working for a Police Department means I deal with more fart jokes, and a lot of testosterone, but I've also kind of been grateful that I don't need to deal with a bunch of pregnancies and baby stories.  The last few weeks here have changed too.  Every day someone brings in their grandchild, new born, pregnant wife to meet us. And today I found out that one of my co-workers (whom I really, strongly dislike) is pregnant... by her still-married-to-someone-else-fiancée.  Really universe? Thanks.