Where'd I go? What happened?

If you'd rather not read about pregnancy you may want to skip this post.

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So I sort of dropped off the face of the planet in the run up to our Czech trip.  I was so busy with work - and that was awesome because I really didn't have time to stress over everything.  I worked and worked and worked and then one day I looked up and we were flying.

We had an absolutely incredible trip.  The kind of trip we've always dreamed of taking together.  Mr R is excited to go back!

The clinic we chose was absolutely incredible, and this was without doubt the best IVF cycle of all.  I mean there was at least one day when it was lunchtime before we realized we hadn't had an embryo update and followed up with the clinic.

For my own memory I wanted to keep our cycle stats somewhere - and I figure someone out there may find this interesting as well so here they are:

- 12 eggs retrieved
- All 12 mature
- All 12 fertilized
- 50% drop off after day 3 blamed on low sperm quality
- Transferred 2 day 5 blasts 1 expanding 5AA and 3AA
- Froze 3 day 6 blasts
- VERY faint positive on FRER on 8dp5dt

10/14/16
BETA #1 - 9dp5dt = 66, Progesterone: 8.6

37.25hrs doubling time

10/17/16
BETA #2 - 12dp5dt = 252.4, Progesterone 16.29

35.7hrs doubling time

10/19/16
BETA #3 - 14dp5dt = 641


Heart Rates

6w1d = 119bpm
8w4d = 179bpm

I had constant period-like cramping right through the TWW and after positive tests.  I was pretty spectacularly nauseous.  STARVING, but too nauseous to eat even though I found that eating quelled the nausea.

Which brings us to today... I am 11w4d and have graduated from my RE and all support medications.  No more progesterone, no more estrogen... Just me and the kid. :)  Nausea is mostly over.  Cramps are gone.  I am still pretty constantly bloated at the end of every day.  My regular stretchy pants no longer fit, but I am not big enough for maternity pants yet.  I am in that awkward middle ground too fat for regular pants, not bumpy enough for maternity pants.

I've had some mixed feelings around the DE part of this process.  Mostly just I guess delayed attachment... But as everyone has told me that goes away over time, and I can attest to that... I went for a scan on Monday and watching him/her bouncing around on that screen was possibly the most surreal thing I've ever experienced, but also it's the first time I felt that connection I've been hoping for and already I am feeling it get stronger every day. I think my problem is less to do with donor eggs, and more to do with infertility PTSD which I am now convinced is a real thing.  You don't want to get too involved, or too attached because you live with the constant fear that all of this is going to going away... you don't leave 10 years of fighting in the trenches of infertility without scars.

So that's it!  Things are going well.  We're expecting a miracle at last.  And we have 3 potential siblings on ice waiting for their turn.

What to do with this blog then?  I want to keep it up for posterity, for me to look back on one day and to maybe give hope to someone else out there who is wrestling with some of the same issues.  I don't think I will continue blogging here though, as I'd like to start something that I can share with family members all over the world who want to keep up with all things baby related.

Every story deserves a happy ending, so I will end this story here with the happiest possible ending there is.

xx

Hello. Is there anybody in there?

This post could also have been titled "Where the hell is my period?"

I'll spare you the suspense... I'm not miraculously pregnant... but in my last post I mentioned how I finally had a pill approved by my Czech doc, and I was waiting for my period to start...  Well, I'm still waiting...

Actually, weirdly, I had all those classic early-pregnancy symptoms I've read about:

• Strange mid-cycle spotting CHECK (only it wasn't bright pink, more brownish pink)
• 2 Days of nipples on fire CHECK (definitely only nipples)
• Tiredness CHECK
• Weird twinges and cramps CHECK
• Cervix high, tight and closed CHECK
• 3 Days late for period CHECK

But according to an old WONDFO I found in the dark recesses of my cute "TTC bag" of 2010 I am not pregnant.

So what gives?

I am not testing again.  But I have an appointment to meet my new OB on Wednesday and I will wait to see what he says.

At this point I am just praying that it's not a cyst or a fibroid or something else that will cause us to have to reschedule our Czech cycle.

I have never had a cyst (that I was aware of) and I've read enough IF blogs to know they're pretty common and they often cause IVF cycles to be cancelled or delayed. So I guess it's my turn... We'll see.

The thing that pisses me off about this is that I have just sort of made peace with the whole genetic link thing.  I was finally excited and hopeful about our DE IVF prospects.  We were riding high on the planning and preparation for our trip to Prague - although admittedly more than just a little stressed about the logistics of it all.

So why now?  Why does my b*tch of a uterus choose now to play with my mind?

BCP is Approved!

Not sure if he's saying they're just "okay" or if he's saying they are "good" but Dr M has approved the Kurvelo BCPs and so I am now officially all set!  We sit and wait for CD1 expected on Aug 13th and then I start BCPs for 30 days.

Deposit paid.
Flights are booked.
Accommodation is booked.
Medication is ready.

I can't shake the feeling that I am missing some crucial step!

My big fear is that we will get there and go to pay and my card will have some kind of fraud alert which causes it to decline payment.  Or (as the clinic has already warned us) there may be some kind of daily transaction limit that will cause it to decline. I guess the next steps should be more practical things...

- Bank card
- Phone roaming
- Ummm...

What am I forgetting?

It's Really Happening!

(I promise the last post will be the only "Czech" themed post title!)

In my last post I said we were going to wait until the meds made it in the mail before we started our cycle, but it turns out that is completely unnecessary.  One of the few upsides of my short TWW is that I didn't have to take the Progesterone or Estrogen for very long and it turns out that I have a ton of the stuff all still in my medicine cabinet. They of course don't have expiration dates listed on the bottles, but I was able to tell the issue dates based on which pharmacy we used for each cycle and checked with Dr. M who said they're good to use.  This means, we won't need to wait for meds to ship!

I received our tentative dates from our clinic rep yesterday:

ER 9/29
ET 10/4

We would like to be there the day before ER so we have time to settle in, and we decided to add a few extra days on the end just in case ER is pushed back a day or 2.

Flights are booked and they cost a pretty penny - certainly more than we budgeted for, but that's because Mr R isn't super keen on flying into Istanbul and hanging around in the airport for 12 hours given all that's going on there right now.  So instead we're going through Germany which is almost double the price. We leave Texas 7/27 and we leave Prague on 10/7.

This will cramp our style a little as far as spending money and accommodation, but luckily we found an awesome little studio apartment a little outside of the city center, but close enough to get there in under 5 minutes, while still just a short trip away from the clinic.  On AirBnB it looks really bright and clean and homey and we're planning on trying to save a bit of spending money by taking care of most of our meals at home (there's a grocery store right next to the apartment).  The apartment is costing us less than $300 for our whole stay which is better than the hotel prices we were seeing - even our rep was impressed that we found this great little place.

So that's flights and accommodation paid for and added to the calendar, in pen.  We're actually doing this people!!  This will be my first time flying with my USA passport, and it's actually a weird feeling.  When flying with my original passport we couldn't go anywhere without first applying for a visa, and having chest x-rays and blood tests and providing bank statements and letters from employers, etc before we could even book a flight.  This makes me uneasy though.  I feel like they'll have some extra thing I need to do that I haven't taken care of.  (My sweet Texas in laws wanted to know if we needed shots and malaria pills before we go. haha  Trying to explain that Prague is not in the Amazon jungle, or the Congo. We're going to Europe!)

The downside of the length of our stay is that with his new job, Mr R isn't due paid vacation until June 2017 but his boss has been forewarned about our plans from his very first day and has always said, "That's family man.  You go take care of your family." So when Mr R gave him dates this morning and he replied the same way we felt a bit of relief, until we realized that this means 2 weeks without pay.  Two weeks of medical insurance and child support payments that will come out of pocket, in addition to the monthly bills which will be due during that time.  So the plan for now is to seriously pull some overtime and really kick into saving overdrive over the next 6 weeks so that we are able to try and get ahead of our bills before we leave.

Mr R is still very keen to have some insurance cover for our trip.  In all my years backpacking in Europe I never had insurance, but I can see that it's the smart thing to do.  When I booked our tickets there was an optional insurance upgrade offered and I added it to the order.  Unfortunately for some reason there was an error with the order, and I had to call support and have them manually push it through, but they were not able to do anything about the insurance and recommended that I call Allianz directly.

Here's a tip to anyone reading this who may be planning a similar trip... when calling a travel insurance company, and they ask you the purpose of your trip do NOT say IVF, or in fact mention "medical" at all, unless you know for a fact that this is not an exemption in your state.

The agent asked sweetly, "Where are you going sweetie (ugh)? Prague? Wow!  What are your plans? IVF? Uh-huh.  What state did you say you were in? Texas? Okay give me one second to pull this up..."  Nothing sounded wrong, I patiently waited.

"Sweetie are you there?  Uh-huh, okay I'm sorry honey but we cannot extend you cover for this trip.  In Texas we have exemptions for any medical or fertility travel".

And that was that.

She didn't even know my name!  (Yes, I know I can call back and this time say I am going for a sightseeing trip, and I've thought about doing that, but it feels like I'd be tempting fate.  What if we really do need to use it and we're excluded because they find out what we were doing there? We're still thinking about what to do here.)

Another thing I didn't factor in is care of our animals.  We have 3 dogs, 3 cats, 4 goats, and 6 chickens and they're a lot of work.  Too many animals to board (even in Texas goat boarding is not a "thing") so we need to find a niece/nephew/cousin/uncle who might be willing to stay in our home while we're gone.   We're thinking about selling the goats though - they are a LOT of work to ask someone to handle, even just for 10 days.

Today's little drama was the one thing I thought I had handled.  (Despite the forewarning of Aramis in her Czech experience). My rep simply advised me to get single-phase contraception pills (the kind where all the pills are the same color and you don't take any placebos) but didn't mention Noresthiserone, so I figured that they had learned about issues getting that specific pill in the US and Canada and were prescribing something different.  I've seen these before back at home.  My mom said "Oh, the mini-pill.  I took those on my honeymoon".  The rep even gave me some Czech brand names for compsrison.  This would be a piece of cake - or so I thought.

My Old RE said, "No way. You're not our patient.  We will not prescribe anything for you."

My OB has been stripped of his license, and I only meet the new one on the 17th, but need to start these on the 13th. That won't work.

My GP's nurse said she didn't think it would be a problem, but I'd need an updated pap first.  They squeezed me in for an appointment this morning and I arrived armed with all my IVF records showing my last pap in 2014.  No pap needed.  Yay!  But there was still an issue...

My (older) GP has never heard of this pill.  He doesn't know what single-phase even means.  He looked up the Czech brand names and came in declaring that those brands weren't available in the USA - no shit!  Just as I was about to walk out in defeat I remembered that my old RE clinic used to put me on Kurvelo BCPs, but advised me to skip the placebos and go straight into the new pack on day 22.  I asked for a Kurvelo script and came home to email my clinic rep to see if these will work.  I am waiting to hear back on that after she speaks with Dr M.  Hopefully I will have an email waiting for me in the morning. *fingers crossed!*

So that brings us up to date!  I am still spinning more from excitement and fear than anything at this point.  In 54 days we will be boarding our flight to Prague and it all still feels unreal!

Czech it Out!

I can hardly believe I am typing these words....

I just paid the deposit.  We're heading to Prague this September for DE IVF.

We finally saved up enough to make it happen - after several big financial hits slowed our progress.  Well truthfully it wasn't just the financial side, I needed to take some time to mourn the whole genetic thing, and open my heart to the donor option.  But we're here at last.

It has taken months of reviewing donors trying to find the perfect match, (see above note about mourning the genetic thing) I was just not ready to let go yet.  Turns out there aren't very many 6ft tall curly red-heads with blood type O just walking around Prague. We actually were matched with an ideal fit last year, but I couldn't pull the trigger... This time we're ready, mentally and financially!

Today, our almost exactly ideal donor walked into the clinic to register and my coordinator snapped her up for me.  It's weird looking at stats on a piece of paper and knowing that this person whom you know so precious little about, is going to give you this incredible gift.

Here's what I know about her:

She's 33, red hair, blue eyes and fair skin.  She is O+.  Her hair is wavy, but I think the clinic kinda crossed the rules a wee bit when they told me that she has curly hair in her immediate family.  She is shorter than ideal - I preferred over 5'7 because I am so tall, and the donor is 5'6" but as I said, I have let go of the idea of finding an exact twin match and I am happy with a mild resemblance so the older family folks don't get too suspicious. And then for hobbies she is a baker, who enjoys dancing, theater, biking and music and (this part too) "spending time with her daughter".  I don't think they're supposed to say if the donor has children or not.

It makes me feel good that she's not super young and that she already had a child when she made the decision to donate.  I feel like she is in a good position to know what she's doing here and not making a decision she will later regret -- also, did you know that the donors in Czech republic are not paid?  They receive no compensation outside of their expenses for participating.  Which of course makes her even more of an angel!

We're still torn over the tell/don't tell thing.  I am strongly in the "Tell" camp, while hubs is in the "don't tell" camp and he's not budging.  We've decided to reevaluate things when our potential progeny are older and decide then if it's something that would enhance their lives, or cause them distress.  (Secretly I've compiled a list of baby books on donor IVF describing the wonderful stranger who gave mommy a precious gift).  Ideally I'd like to introduce this concept very early on but we're totally going to play it by ear.

As far as family, we're not telling anyone until we decide what to do with our potential child.  Two people outside of hubs and I know.  1)  My best friend, 2) my fertility coach.  We're going to keep it that way for now.

So now we've paid the deposit, I guess I had better get moving, shake some of this pity weight, get back on the pre-natals and gluten-free, dairy-free, fun free diet.  I'm also going to be including some fertility yoga because I need to combat some of the stress I am dealing with at work and I will feel better having a limber, peaceful body ready to receive.

We're tentatively looking at second half of September, first half of October as that is the ideal time for the hubs to get time away from work. Unfortunately until our medication arrives from Prague there's no scheduling an exact date.  My local RE has made it clear that he isn't keen on actively participating in this, though I did get them to agree to a CD 10 lining check.  My local OB has been stripped of his license following several lawsuits and I am only meeting my new OB in two weeks, so I don't want to wait to see if she will prescribe me the meds required.  We're going to throw caution to the wind and have them shipped to us and pray to all that is holy that they don't get stuck in customs somewhere!  They're pills not shots, but you never know.

So now for the next hurdle... keeping a positive frame of mind, without being too positive.  70% success rate is a hell of a lot better than the less than 5% I had previously, but there's still a 30% chance that something will go wrong.

Oh, I should add that, since we're not getting any younger, we're going to go for broke and transfer 2 embryos if we have them.  How does that affect the odds I wonder?  Surely that improves them somewhat.  I'd like to think that with 70% odds for one, that two would be at least 80% and that (in my brain) is practically 100%.  Still.... There's a long road ahead of me... And no exact transfer date in sight.  I had best slow my roll.... [ETA: I have no idea where I got 70% success rate from... I've spoken with a number of clinics over the last year, and it must have come in there somewhere, but my chosen clinic lists 63% success rate on their site.  Still, 63% is HUGE]

Hope for Those of Us with DOR?

My sister sent me this link today. Am I wrong to be SUPER excited? It's probably going to be forever until it's ready to roll out, huh? There would be no shortage of women willing to sign up for a trial though.

Time to Quit?

When your 21 year old nephew has a baby, and you still don't, is it time to call it and move on?

Sad. Sad day for one member of this family...

I was crazy to hope

Still no period and I am officially late, but the pre-period spotting started earlier this evening so I have no doubt I'll start tomorrow morning.

I broke down and tested on an old cheapie on Friday and it was negative. So there's no point in hoping now.

Thanks for the support y'all!

So onwards and upwards...

Donor #4 has confirmed her availability in Jan / Feb of 2016. However... Given the employment situation that date will probably need to be pushed out some more. We can't hold Donor #4 unless we pay a $1,500 deposit and we're just not comfortable putting that much down until we're sure what will happen with the hubs' job. We're trying to schedule a consult with Dr Prague for December - preferably not one of the 4am time slots they keep offering us.

So that's our news. I promise I'll catch up on everyone's blogs this week. I've been so out of the loop!

Donor Options

Still waiting to see what comes of our whirlwind ovulation weekend.  Any signs I had earlier this week are now well and truly gone, no more cramping, no more nipple pain, no more colorful CM - nada.  So I am fully expecting my period on Saturday. Not going to bother testing before then.

In brighter news I had an email from our Prague clinic rep today.  The doctor is satisfied with our pre-screening results and is ready to move forward.  But there's a new snag in the works.  The hubs lost his work contract and with the holidays no one is hiring in his field until the new year.  Ugh... So while we have most of the Prague funds ready to go, we kind of need to hang on to them to see what happens work-wise with him.  BIG bummer.  Also, not super keen on trying to cycle in Europe in December... given the cost of flights, etc over the holidays.  So I've asked if we can postpone until the new year.

Unfortunately, she also sent me a list of our donor options which of course has me all excited, but I doubt they're all going to still be available when we're ready to cycle.  I know they really dug deep to get me any kind of wavy/curly haired donors with my blood group options, and I believe these are the only ones they have because two of our options are completely not at all close to what we requested aside from being O+ and having slightly wavy hair.

BUT... the beauty of having limited options is that the clear winner is easier to pick and boy Donor #4 is almost perfect!!  I have some concerns about her age - she is 29, which to normal people is perfectly healthy reproductive age, but I know that my battle with infertility started at 28, so in my mind there's a chance that she also has issues.  (We won't know if she already has any children).  She is tall at 5'10, has blue eyes and curly blonde hair and has the same blood group as the hubs (O-) I am O+ so we were happy with any O blood group.  We have similar hobbies and interests, though apparently she has a greener thumb than I do.

The fact that her description says "Curly" is significant to me because they seem to take the difference between "curly", "wavy" and "slightly wavy" pretty seriously.  Her hair is listed as "curly" which made me very happy.

Donor #1 was "a'ight" tall-ish, O+, wavy - brown hair.  She will be a good second choice, but Donor #4 is so perfect that I think she makes #1 seem less ideal than she probably really is.

Sooooo... Obviously we have a winner, but the question is, who will be available in the new year?? I guess we'll let fate decide how this all plays out.

All Aboard the Crazy Train

Quick recap:  Thur 11/5 (CD12)  u/s showed two 15mm follies on left side.  Sounded promising so we decided to put a little extra effort into sex over the next few days.

"A little extra effort" turned into the kind of mania one would expect from someone who has been actively trying to get pregnant for ten years... We did it 5 times over 3 days and I spent most of the weekend in bed with my hips raised.  So yeah, you know... we took the "don't stress over it, but let's see what happens" approach. haha

I THINK I O'ed on Sat 11/7 because I had some brown spots which sometimes happen mid-cycle.

Nipple pain started on 11/10

Today I've had very mild cramps -- a lot like my pre-period cramps but it's way too early for that CD18.  I have 10 days before I am due.

BUT... ten minutes ago I had for the first time in my life PINK CM.  I've had what I thought was pink cm before but it was more brown than this.  This was bright pink, and translucent and plentiful.  BUT... I am only 4DPO... maybe 5DPO... or maybe this is because I am O'ing today?

I swear I took a picture to show the hubs... but then I deleted it thinking I've probably scarred our sex-life enough this week...

Thoughts? (Aside from "Calm the F down")  Pink is good right?  I'm a freak...  cramps + pink = AF.

I am pre-menopausal.  My body has decided to start playing with my regular period time-lines.  This could be residual follicle fluid.  I probably damaged my insides with all the hand stands and sex marathon.

Shit!  Should I take Estrogen?  Progesterone?  I have a ton left over from my IVF cycles.  Is that considered self-medicating?

I need to calm the F down... 11/21 is a LONG way off.

DEIVF Pre-Screening Complete

It's been a crazy few weeks... we're still dealing with my father in law in hospital, the hubs lost his work contract and now we're concerned about needing to use our donor cycle savings to float us until his next contract comes in but I've soldiered on in faith and we've now completed all of the pre-screening tests required before we can speak to our doctor in Prague for an initial consult.

We've had some surprisingly good news:

Mr R's 10 month post vasectomy reversal SA came back good.  There are swimmers present, and from what I can understand of his numbers his motility is "low average" and his count is too.  Still... low average is better than a big fat 0, so now we feel more like we're in with a chance for natural.  At any rate, his numbers are such that we can save ourselves the $1,700 needed for TESE in Prague, so that's a plus too.

I had the weirdest period this month.  It was 3 days late and I will be honest, I had the daydreams... but I refused to test until I was a week late - I am NEVER late, so this was highly unusual.  On CD 31 i started spotting, and on I had one day of regular flow, one day of my usual extreme cramping, doubled over, stay in bed kind of flow and then it just stopped.... I normally have 1 day of light, 3 days of ridiculous, 1 day of light and we're done.  This month it was just 2 days and done after being 3 days late... so of course my little day dream started again, but I didn't give it any much air time and carried on about my business knowing that I had a CD12 u/s scheduled for DEIVF pre-screening purposes and if there was anything exciting going on in there I'd find out soon enough.

Today, CD 12, I was a bundle of nerves walking into the clinic.  I hated sitting in that waiting room again.  Luckily I had a new u/s tech so I didn't have to do the whole "ohhhh you're still here, I am so sorry it hasn't worked out for y'all" talk.  This lady didn't know me from a bar of soap and she also apparently had no clue what the reason for my check-up was.  She announced that my lining was triamilar and perfect and as she checked my ovaries she announced "Oh you have two great follies on the left, you're probably going to trigger in the next day or two!"  Apparently I have 2 15mm follies on the left.  She seemed to think we were IUI patients, and since she pronounced my insides to be in perfect order for an IUI cycle at CD12 I thought I would Google what the ideal was...

Here's what I don't understand... from what I am reading online these women who are on Chlomid and on CD 12 have on average 2-3 follies of between 10 and 18mm... Here I am with my useless ovaries, non existent AMH and my too-high FSH and I have 2 15mm au naturale follies.  Is this a good thing?  Should Mr R and I clear our schedules and spend the next 4 days in bed?  Am I crazy to even think that we have a chance here after 4 failed IVF cycles?

For all I know the playing field looks this good every month - I've only ever seen it pumped up on drugs - and we've never been successful before so what would make this month any different, just because I am aware of what's going on in there.

Ugh... I just read through my cycle history and brought myself back down to earth... I could be showing 100 follies at 15mm today and all of them could release this weekend and the odds of me getting pregnant are still miniscule since my damn eggs are all dodgy.  Bleurgh...   I am going to go and clean something and stop thinking about this crap...

Long Overdue Update

It's been a long time internet!  MUCH longer than I expected.  Since our BFN in December I pretty much lost the plot.... I literally had a total meltdown and just couldn't do this any more.  I needed a complete break.  I needed to forget about all things baby related and just focus on myself, my marriage, my family and friends and frankly get my life back in order... Initially I started looking into DE options, but I was still struggling with that decision.  I just wasn't sure that I wanted to put myself through any more disappointment, but mostly I had yet to fully mourn my dream of having a child who is a genetic match for myself.

Over the months I have to admit, I even started seeing the "silver lining" of life without kids.  "Can I meet you for a drink in an hour? Sure!  I don't have to arrange child care or anything."  "You want to take a spur of the moment road trip to Louisiana? Let me grab my purse!" I focused on those thoughts for a couple of months, but the sadness continued to hit me when I least expected it .  If you're reading this blog I am guessing that you know exactly the kind of sadness I am talking about... the sadness that rises up from deep inside and burns it's way up your body until it breaks out in a deep, loud sob complete with hot sweats and shaking.  The kind that causes your palms to tingle and your eyes to burn when someone asks an innocent question like, "How many kids do you have?" (Though I did once manage to try on a new reply to this question, "None."  Not expecting the third degree that would follow:  "None?? Why not?"  "I just don't want any." "But kids are awesome!  I can't imagine my life with out my kids." <-- yeah, so that went well.  It still ended with me hysterically crying and almost walking out with an incomplete set of acrylic nails.... Ohhhh the joys of infertility!)

So yeah... despite now being able to see the benefits of a child-free life, I am clearly not ready to accept that as my "fate".  I am recovered from the fog.  I've lost 20 of the 40 pounds I gained last year and I am ready to dust off, and move forward with the new plan... Donor IVF.

I've asked around and done some of my own research on our options and for us the best option is European donor cycle.  We've chosen a clinic in Prague which has a great guarantee program, awesome pricing, and seem very willing to work with me on my biggest issue which is finding a donor with curly hair.

My only real issue with this clinic is that the Dr (we will call him Dr. Prague for the purposes of this blog) will not do an initial Skype consultation with us until we've done some of the preliminary screening tests he has requested.  Given that it's been over 2 years since we last did some of these tests we need to repeat them and this is taking some time.  He also wants my records from Dr. S's office which I thought was going to be a simple thing to get to him -- uh, no... 4 IVF cycles, 4 TESE procedures and a laparoscopy seem to have created well over 100 pages of records which now need to be scanned (by me) and sent on to Prague.

Additionally, though I made certain that my local RE office would be willing to do monitoring appointments for an overseas cycle after reading about other's experience with this issue - they are now saying that they will do ONLY monitoring appointments after the cycle begins, and they will ONLY do these with an order from Dr. Prague.  They are unwilling to do any of the pre-screening tests for us. I emailed them back and what I wanted to say was, "I am shocked that after spending about $80,000 with your practice you are unwilling to help us move into this new option - even though we are more than willing to pay for these services!"  I reworded the message several times before sending... in the end it sounded more like "Boy, well that's upsetting.  Since we started this journey with <RE-NAME> we really had hoped to follow through with you to the (hopefully) happy end.  I was under the impression that we were partners in this, and it saddens me to think that we are on our own now."  Thankfully they responded to let me know that after some discussion they have decided to make an exception for us and then listed several criteria that we need to meet, but basically, yes, they will do pre-screening and monitoring for us.

Phew!  So that's where we are now... running about getting tests done, checking on the success of the vasectomy reversal surgery - hopefully Mr R won't need another (5th) TESE in Prague as there they do it under general anesthetic and it will confuse matters - plus, you know... it would suck for him.  And finally I'll probably be stationed at our manual, one-page-at-a-time scanner all weekend digitizing our medical reports to send to Dr. Prague on Monday.

Mentally, I guess I am excited about DE now.  I am still sad at the loss of genetic children, but I've decided for certain that I don't want to be childless.  The success rates at the Prague clinic are encouraging -- maybe too encouraging -- 63% success with single embryo transfer which rises to 70% with two.  I have caught myself browsing baby gear online while picking out a gift for a friend's toddler.  I had to stop myself from saying out loud what I was thinking when moving furniture around between our two spare bedrooms.  I couldn't bring myself to stop discussing baby names with Mr. R, though... I am human after all.

BFN

Scratch that... BFN this morning on two different tests. Heart. Broken.

HELP!!

Today is 9sp3dt and I decided to throw caution to the wind and POAS. It was  0230 am and seeing nothing but stark white blankness I tossed the test aside and went back to bed. Got up to pee and saw it lying there 3.5hours later and dudes.... There's a line!!

It's not even a squinter!!!!!

But... 1) It wasn't within the 5min window, 2) I had an HCG Booster shot on Tue. (And I didn't test it out).

Right now I feel cramps coming on...

4days since 2,500 iu booster HCG?  It barely shows up for me when I even trigger. This line is about the same as my trigger test line. :/

Beta not till Fri!!

ETA: this morning was an Internet cheapie and I know that evaps are common. Hubs went and got us an FRER and I tested with a couple drops of 4th MU... Two lines. Clearly.

Clinic says not to get excited till Tues 7 days post hCG booster. Arghhh!!

4A and 2A

Apparently one of the "watched" embryos did split so we had a 2A this morning unexpectedly to add to our 4A.

This doesn't look good. 4 cells on day 3? Googling success rates has only confirmed my fears that this is the official end for us.. All this bedrest and restrictions feels like a farce.

No surprises there then...

1 2 cell, 2 possibly arrested. ET tomorrow... Bleurgh...

We're (quietly) at it again...

Yes. With my own eggs. After the stupendous failure of our "genetic testing cycle" we were exploring donor eggs with great gusto... Until we got the price tag. It's completely outside of what we can afford. Even with insurance covering my portion.

We have all co-pays and deductibles met for 2014 and we decided to squeeze in one last cycle with my own eggs before we call it quits and take a year off to reevaluate things.

It all happened so quickly. I got a call saying, we need you to start stims tomorrow. We're gonna skip the BCP." And we were off to the races. 5 days of stims and my first check up revealed 5 follie already at  14mm!! We had our ER on Monday - 7 eggs. Maturity- 6.

This mornings Fert report was sucky... 3 are definitely not fertilized. 3 others are possibly fertilized, but he doesn't see the poles so he can't be sure. It is POSSIBLE that the poles are disappearing as division is beginning - when he checked there this morning.. So tonight I am in a panic...  I either have 3 or nothing... And it's going to be about 10hours before I find out.

This cycle has been weird from the start and we had soooo hoped that  was a good sign. But today I've felt like really nothing has changed. 3 Fert, 1 day 3, no snugglers,  the end..

Please let me be wrong. PLEASE!!!

If we're lucky enough to have some day 3 embies we're putting them all back.  This is our Hail Mary. Our last ditch effort.

Donor Option

We're back to looking at DE options.  We could try one more time with my eggs and see if we have any blasts to test, but the reality is that, based on our previous cycles, it's highly unlikely that we're going to see success. Mr R is really not happy at work but he's hanging in there for the insurance. The longer this takes, the unhappier he gets. I don't want to continue torturing him. Trying "one more time" with my own eggs is effectively wasting another 2 months and will push our last insurance covered cycle - the one we were planning to use for our de  - I to next year when we're going to have to pay co-pays again.

I've spoken with donor banks. Out of pocket after what insurance company covers - $15,000
I've spoken with frozen egg banks. Insurance won't cover egg purchase. - $14,400
I've spoken with my clinic in-house, fresh donor coordinator - $? (Pending)

I found the PERFECT donor in the frozen bank. She's exactly what I was hoping for! But $14,400 is way outside of what we can afford. Our last hope is our own clinic donor program which is around $17,000 but insurance will cover a large portion of that - or so we've been told.

I am struggling with this....

Our clinic has very limited options.  Four donors with blue eyes. None of them has so much as a wave to their hair. The only one with O blood group has a super high forehead and very thin hair which Mr R has very strong feelings about. I have 2 top choices but the truth is neither of them would have even made the list had I been selecting from a donor bank or frozen bank. I feel like I am settling. Like money is the deciding factor here - it IS -  but I feel guilty/stupid for letting finances dictate the genetics of my future child/ren.  Those I've spoken to about this say I am over analyzing this. A baby is a baby. "You want a child right? So what's the problem." The problem is I don't just want A child... I want MY child and I'm not quite over that yet.

The next part is disclosure...  Mr R doesn't want ANYONE to know we used DE. Not even the child. I don't want anyone to know, but I'd prefer the child knows - maybe not from birth, but eventually. Also, if we want to do things Mr Rs way we HAVE to have a donor blood type O since both he and I are O.  I don't want my child to grow up with the whole "you're not even my real mom" thought in his/her head. I also don't want them to find out by accident as an adult which might cause them great emotional distress and cause them to live a drug addled life on the street.... Or something...  A friend of mine who used DE says she regrets telling her folks because her mom now has Alzheimer's and keeps saying inappropriate things to her twins (now 4 yrs old). Her father makes no effort to see them for birthdays etc because "they're not really my grand kids". Ugh! How heartbreaking!!

As for me... I just cannot let go of a genetic link. I can't wait to hold a baby in my arms and experience all of the joys of motherhood. But I can't yet say that somewhere deep in my heart I don't/won't  long  to look into my baby's eyes and see my own .  And this makes me worry that I may (in a hormonal haze) be resentful of my de child. Ugh... I don't think I am expressing myself well. I want so badly to be comfortable and happy and at peace with DE and if I am not then maybe now is not the right time to do this... But again... Money... Time... And are my fears normal? DE mamas did y'all have any of the same fears/thoughts? I need to commune with other DE mamas I think.

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Morulaaaaaaaaaa

I'm soooooooo excited!!!!

Embryologist says this is very good news! He has every expectation that we'll have a blast by morning.

He's going to call late. Only after he does the biopsy and freezes him.

I CANT BELIEVE WE MADE IT!!